One thing that keeps going through my mind…if my children are my spiritual teachers, I must be my parents’ spiritual teacher. I spend much of my time contemplating conscious parenting, with me as the parent. To gain a greater awareness into my parenting, I reflect on myself as the child.
The real and true reason children suffer through divorce is because of the notion of separateness.
This morning I hiked my last morning meditation in the mountains before returning home from my mini-sabbatical. Looking out over the mountains, my awareness was each breath and each step.
I contemplate my teacher’s words, “A rose is made of only non-rose elements. This insight is the freedom from discrimination, fear, and anger.” I am made of only non-me elements: the mountains, the clouds, the sun; my ancestors, my grandparents, my father, my mother.
Reflecting as the mountain’s creek, I see what is real and what is true – the reason children suffer through divorce.
FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real ~ Unknown
To call your spouse names, to resent him, to be angry at her, this is the same as calling your child names, resenting your child, being angry with your child. Non-loving speech is non-loving to your child and causes great suffering.
When you are angry, hate, blame, and make accusations against the child’s other parent; when you are angry, hate, blame, and make accusations against yourself (ultimately they are the same); you unintentionally and mindlessly communicate hate and anger against your child.
You see, I am made only of non-me elements. I am my father; I am my mother.
To love our children whole-heartedly, we must practice mindfulness. To honor their whole person is to honor all their elements.
Reconciliation with your child begins with understanding, compassion, and forgiveness toward their other parent, their non-me elements. Letting go of harbored hate, anger, and the notion of separateness is simultaneous reconciliation with self, (ex-)spouse, and child. They are one in the same.
A wave does not look for water. A cloud is rain.
Bitter divorces cannot be only about the parents. It is about the children too. The two cannot be separated. When the parents suffer, the children suffer. This is the real and true reason children suffer through divorce.
And this is the shadow that has followed me through my life. Wherever I go, she goes. “How can my parents hate one another and love me?” Therein laid the victim, me – a daughter writing her own tragedy of misperception.
To be or not to be, is not the question. It is the nature of Interbeing. I am this because of that.
There is no Son without the Father, just as there is no lotus without the mud. There is no me without my mother. There is no father without me. We manifest simultaneously. This is Interbeing. We are One.
This understanding is the basis of unconditional love, and the foundation of happiness. Happiness is made of non-happy elements. Your happiness and my happiness are not separate. The happiness of the daughter is the happiness of the mother. If the father suffers, the son suffers too. So just as much as my parents’ divorce is about me; it is not about me.
Today, I reflect on the intricate building blocks of a happy life. Fear creates all suffering, and separateness is our ultimate fear. Freedom from fear is unconditional love. Oneness with All, the union of the non-me elements is the way to a happy life. Freedom is the foundation and love is the cornerstone of a happy life. A fear-less life is a happy life. A life of Oneness is one of health and love.
Whenever there is separateness, there is pain. Wherever this is oneness, there is health. Recognizing my Oneness in mind and body, mother and father, is my perfect health. This is my health and connection to love and peace.
This insight is my personal quantum leap of forgiveness – undoing the past and transforming the future simultaneously. Seeing the purpose of my parent’s divorce transcends me to a whole new level of conscious parenting my children.
What is the real and true reason children suffer through divorce? The suffering is caused by our notion of separateness. The parents who see themselves as separate; the children who see themselves as separate.
Where is reconciliation? Within the nature of Interbeing lies understanding, compassion, and forgiveness. We are One – each a manifestation of the other. My peace is found through my non-peaceful times; my love through non-loving times.
With the mindfulness of compassionate listening and loving speech, we can cause less suffering and create peace in our families. Only then can there be peace on Earth.
May my forgiveness heal my wounds so that I may integrate all my non-me parts and release the past and be love in this moment.
A lotus to you ~ my most beautiful blossoms are born out of my mud. Indeed, I am this because of that.
One with Life,